There is something wrong with me. It’s hard to explain, although I feel I have become numb. My overall feelings about things, situations, feelings, arguments, whatever, I’ve completely shut down on. I’m always telling my fellow co-workers that I’m broken. A guest could come into the restaurant and cuss me out and I would feel nothing. I’m treating everyone and everything like one big movie. It is all a show. If a guest really cussed me out I’d probably nod my head and tell them that they are more than welcome to speak to my manager. My job here is not the point. The point is I have lost the ability to give a fuck. I avoid people and their feelings and emotions, because I don’t want to have to care. If you’ve noticed I haven’t really written any personal entries or vague statements. I’ve been trying to somehow control what I read, look at, or hear. It’s almost like I’m trying to create this fantasy world where people and things don’t annoy me. I’ve also called myself being stronger because of it, but this isn’t strength at all.

My current mind state may stem from a relationship gone bad, and how I reacted to that relationship. And I don’t want to see myself there ever again. I was bed ridden, I didn’t care, I lost weight, I didn’t sleep. Now to avoid any form of discomfort, I lock up. I don’t even write about it, nor do I speak much about it, because I’m constantly trying to get over unwanted feelings and thoughts. And not even thoughts about that relationship, anything that could potentially be a negative factor, I shut it down and remind myself that I have bigger and better things to do.

I’m living this “get over it and move on” type of lifestyle that I feel as though is not allowing me to heal.

This post was hard to write, not that it’s bringing me to tears. It’s just that any other day I’d seriously would be like “ahhh fuck it”.

I’m going to try, maybe not on this blog though. It’s really not about what other people read as much as what I’m writing about.

I’m just saying in most cases being a hardass isn’t healthy, at least in my opinion. You need to give yourself time to heal TRULY. We don’t live in a world where we can’t get hurt. IT DOESN’T EXIST.

That is all.